I Don’t Want a Job. I Want Fire.

Well, friends, tomorrow is the day I can stop chewing my nails off.

Maybe. It’s the deadline for the DoSomething.org internship I applied for last month. Technically they have until the 18th to contact me for an interview/polite rejection letter. And basically I’m like:

From-> http://www.ryanseacrest.com/2014/03/page/11/

Even if I don’t get it, I’m happy that I’ve discovered new opportunities. Before I found this internship, I thought it was over for me after college because I couldn’t find a job or a place where I felt truly passionate. And I NEED passionate. I don’t like to go for anything (friendships, relationships, jobs, coffee) unless I’m head-over-heels for it.

Let me back that up for a second. I’ve worked in a LOT of places (especially with field experience study), and I’ve gained wonderful experiences as well as wonderful co-worker friends. To have a job at all, to me, is one of the greatest blessings I can imagine.  But, being that I do have that privilege, I don’t see why I would settle for anything less than my loftiest dream. Everywhere that I have worked has been incredible. I don’t really have any work horror stories. And yet, something has never felt right.

My brain sees pictures. Pictures for everything. When I smell something, I can picture it, too. It’s an oddity I can’t really explain, because I don’t fully understand it myself. Anyway, when I think about work and my future, I get this picture in my head. When I think of a career as, say, a doctor or secretary, I envision a gray, still picture. And I think that’s pretty self-explanatory.

But when I think of my hand holding someone else’s as I help them to their feet…when I think of singing in a chorus… when I think of executing a triple pirouette… when I think of dozens and dozens of off-white pages looking me in the eyes, waiting for my pen to alter them forever… when I think of myself inside the music and surrounded by people metaphorically on fire… the color in my mind is ubiquitous. It’s luminous. It splashes every corner of my thoughts with vibrancy.

Isn’t that how it should be? Over the past year, I’ve heard legions of people tell me they hate working. They can’t wait until they’re retired. Every day is excruciatingly painful. Mondays are awful. Can’t wait til Saturday.

We are TWENTY. If this is what the next 45 years of my life are going to be like, I might as well shut off all feeling and hope in my heart until I retire. At this age, shouldn’t we be naive and burning with passion for our careers? For the next 90,000 hours of our working lives? Someone recently said to me, “Well, it just doesn’t work like that, Mol. Work isn’t fun. Welcome to adulthood.”

I just won’t take that for an answer. I refuse. I want my career to feed kerosene to the fire in my heart. I want the flames to creep up through my throat and into my words. Into the things I see and feel.

I want to wake up every morning (okay, at least 90% of mornings… I really hate mornings) feeling only excitement. A job should be a place where everyone’s best ideas come to life. I want a job where I WANT to come to work on Saturdays if I have time… where Mondays are simply symbolic for a week full of fresh opportunities and possibilities.

I don’t want a career. I don’t want a job. What I do want is to go to a designated place each day where I want to WORK for something that matters to me and matters to others. I want fire.  I can’t wait til I’m surrounded by people who are bursting with ideas and challenge me. DoSomething.org will hopefully be the first place I discover such a miracle, but even if it isn’t, I know I won’t rest until I find a flame to add to my own.

 

From-> http://www.pinterest.com/WorldSeminars/steve-job-quotes/

Back at it!

Fact: everyone gets sad. 

Fact: much of our happiness is dependent on personal choice.

And for the past few months, I wasn’t making the right choice. It was really weird, actually, because if you know me (and if you read my blog, you definitely know) that I often like to imagine the world laced in rainbows. But November through February unveiled a part of life that was much more twisted and dark than I had ever seen.

I felt squashed. Squeezed. Suppressed. I took a hit from every side. Everything I was trying to hold on to was slipping through my fingers. Especially my hopes for the future. My dreams were quelled by– dare I say it– reality. I stepped into the role of a student teacher and realized, hey, I’m graduating college in four months.

Oh.

Graduating, to me, didn’t feel like my release into the world. It felt like a trap. Like life was prodding me into a wall, laughing and telling me what I had to do to be a responsible adult. And of course, it still partially feels that way. But for a few months, I let that get to me a whole lot. I was falling into the strings of normalcy that I have always vehemently opposed.

You know what, though? There is only so long a person can sulk before a decision has to be made. Am I going to stay solemn and passive, or am I going to toughen up and start forcing my way to where I want to be?

I’ll be honest: I chose passivity.

I’m afraid I would’ve stayed passive and average had DoSomething.org not jolted me. It slapped me across the face, actually. It said, “Seriously, Mol? You’re going to just give up? When have you ever done that?” I knew it was right.

On a day I was feeling particularly melancholy, I decided to browse Twitter. DoSomething tweeted a link to a posting of their summer internships. As I clicked it and scrolled down the page, I drew in a sharp breath. Right before my eyes was the *writing* internship of my dreams for an organization I sincerely care about. I burst into tears as I rediscovered opportunity and possibility, and more importantly– my fire.

I became obsessed with this internship. Not only was I signing up for things right and left to bolster my resume, but I was also smiling again. Really smiling. I greeted each morning with gratefulness (okay, and groggy crabbiness, but you guys know I’m a night owl). I began filtering the world and my every day experiences for possibilities again. DoSomething was a huge part in reigniting the fire inside of me I was so sure I had lost.

Remembering that my life isn’t really for me or about me– it is for serving others and for submitting to God’s plan– was so important in choosing happiness. It’s not about me or my dissatisfaction; there’s a whole world out there that could really use whatever help I can give. From-- http://indulgy.com/post/hDo9hbcqs1/be-strong

The point is, I went from very down to very up in a few months. Let me tell you something about the down: it’s not worth it. Sure, be sad for a while about something, but at some point your happiness becomes your own responsibility. We are all human, and we are all going to face challenges. But, we must face them with the knowledge that courage must trail closely behind.

The other point is, look for things that make you feel alive. Don’t settle into the trap of reality. Of course, we all have responsibilities. We all have things we have to do. My advice is this: find something that sets you on fire (not literally). Those responsibilities will feel like opportunities floating down in little boxes from the heavens. Those things you have to do will become the things you constantly think about and WANT to do.

My suffering was necessary. I realized just how important fire is in my life. How important liveliness and passion is. Having nothing forced me to create and discover what I was missing.

Thank you to everyone who lifted me up during those times. You know I will always do the same for you.

Ideas. Ideas. Ideeeaas.

HELLO GOOD PEOPLE!

I’d like to first preface by saying that my roommates probably think I’m crazy.

Why, you ask?

Because I just got home, ate a container full of macaroni (okay that’s a little irrelevant), dashed up the stairs, lit the candles in my room, turned my lights off, and began spitting out improv slam poetry at my wall.

I hope some of you understand. I love feeling inspired. You do such strange things.

That being said, I’ve had a lot of ideas running through this noggin of mine in the past few hours, and I’d like to share just one. It is a first-draft idea, but hey, that’s how all good things start, right?!

Alright, so as you know if you’ve read my last post, I am in my final year of college and am currently pursuing my degree in English Education. In one of my recent practicum experiences, I’ve been paying attention to which students schools label as “at-risk.” I’ve also been paying close attention to kids who come from low-SES backgrounds (generally, students whose families have low income, may have limited educational experience, may have relational problems in the home, may have health complications, etc.). Many times, low-SES and “at-risk” are intertwined (though, not always). Anyway, I noticed the other day that a student had been wearing the same shirt and shorts for 2 weeks in a row.  Could that be a fashion or self-expression choice? Sure, it could be.

My guess is that it isn’t, though.

If I become a teacher–even if I don’t, really– I would love to set up a before and after school project once a month. I’d call it Closet Free or something. Probably something else. Definitely something else. I would set up an empty room to lay out donated, nice clothes and kids could stop by before or after school and pick some things up if they wanted. I would open it up to used or new shoes, socks, (obviously newly bought packs of underwear), jewelry, shorts, pants, you name it. I want it there.

You’re probably thinking “Yeah, but what if a student comes in who doesn’t really need it but they take it anyway?” It’s definitely a thought that’s ran through my mind, too. The answer is this: I don’t know. I would rather that anyone could take anything they needed. I would rather not have them “qualify” or “be eligible.” I would just like for kids to know that someone gets it— someone cares.

There a million and one details I’d need to iron out. It would have to be a community effort, too; I only have so many too-tight shirts in my closet.

So, Scooter Braun, where you at?! Haha. (Seriously, though).

Or DoSomething.Org (Check them out!!)

Anyway, happy Monday, everyone! I hope you’re drowning in this week’s possibilities. I don’t actually hope you’re drowning.